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This honestly, really happened to
someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to
school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted
to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and
also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had
the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he
sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her
out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with
all of his buddies, and he drinks like Prohibition is
coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that
he can't make it through twenty minutes without either
throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours
of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want
to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever
talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take
the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself
during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy
the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't
want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds
it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he
still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of
gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of
course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with
another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and
feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away,
our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to
keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this
yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure
out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell,
or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly
pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by
the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they
pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a
sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around
too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at
the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's
fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater
within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current
outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes
are on his date (still on the other side of the store)
to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants.
He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from
40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap
girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained
on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over
to his date; then they leave the store. They board the
train just before it leaves the station and find two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down,
our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in
the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the
train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer
shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out
the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap
bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
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